** My disclaimer~ I always intended to breastfeed, I do believe that it is best for baby. However I also feel that we need to acknowledge that not all women can breastfeed no matter how hard they try or how much support they receive. These women (like myself) are entitled to not being made to feel guilty about their choice and should expect the support of those around them not condemnation. I am glad that the world has moved forward with anti discrimination laws for breastfeeding mothers, however I too have the right to feed my child and not be judged. I am sharing MY experiences, MY views as a way to help other women out there who may find themselves on this path.**
I know that I mentioned early on that we were bottle feeding. At the time I wasn't able to share the whole story but I thought I would try today. I wanted to start with the blinkie above. When I was updating my blinkies after Bethany's arrival I couldn't find any or many positive bottle/formula feeding ones. I liked the one I found though cause I am a disposable nappy using formula feeding stay at home mamma and proud of it!!!
When I was pregnant I went to met with a Lactation Consultant (LC) because I was concerned there would be problems with breastfeeding. One because I was on medication but secondly no woman in our family has produced milk, My mum, grandma and so on. Never had their milk come in. I was told by the LC that this was impossible that ALL women can breastfeed, they must have not tried hard enough. Since when my mum had me she was a trained midwife and a trained herself LC I find that hard to believe. I took all the information offered however and was prepared to take the attitude that we will try and if it works great but if not we will go to formula and be fine too.
A lot of what happened next follow on from Bethany's birth which you can read about here. While she was in Special Care I tried everything, attaching her, cuddles, sitting on the pump. Nothing happened. I was becoming more and more depressed. She was already getting top ups because she was so jaundice, eventually they had to even tube fed her because she wouldn't take the bottle. After 5 days and nothing not even colostrum I decided to bottle feed. I could feel myself becoming more and more frustrated and disheartened, I hated going to see her in the nursery because I knew it meant I would have to sit on the pump for 20-40mins and have nothing happen. It was awful to sit in the expressing rooms and watch the other mums get bottles full and me nothing. Once I made the choice after talking and crying about it with mum I went to ask a midwife on the ward what I needed my mum to bring in. Gee just remembering this is breaking my heart! She looked at me and said why didn't I organise it all earlier, I explained that I had planned to breastfeed but it hadn't worked, she then responded, that I was "that woman" who had no milk...Great I was a talking point. I burst in to tears there and then. The midwife and LC came to my room to tell me what I needed and the like, the LC went on about how I should keep sitting on the pump each feed to see if we could get something, I had been sitting on the pump for 20-30mins every 3 hrs for days and NOTHING!! At this point I lost it again, they were just so unsupportive, the whole attitude was "well do this if you must but if you worked harder you could do it." How much harder could I have worked??
Even now nearly 8 weeks later there are places I won't feed Bethany because of the looks and whispered comments I get from other mums (baby rooms at shopping centres mostly) The other day I was even confronted by a woman as I sat and feed. She came up to me and said I should be ashamed of myself. I responded with "I beg your pardon" She went on to say that didn't I know that babies should be breastfed and if I wasn't going to take care of my baby properly I shouldn't have had her. I needed to stop being lazy, only lazy mum's use bottles. I was speechless. Thankfully a gentleman nearby overheard and told her to move on and stayed with me till his wife came back and they both got me a cool drink and helped me calm down. I was in shock!
I know many of you reading are breastfeeding and even some are long term feeding, that is fantastic and in many ways I envy you! But I have got to a place where I realise I am not less of a mother for bottle feeding my daughter. We bond as we feed, I talk and sing to her and hold her close, we have lots of cuddles. Yes I feel in someways I missed out but I am making the very best of what I have. I am not asking you to change the world or your view with sharing my story but maybe next time you see a mum bottle feeding smile and encourage her. Yes she may have made that choice all along and thats fine but she also might be like me who had the choice taken by circumstance and that gesture might just make her day!
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